RIP Spike

Our wonderful and beloved bearded dragon died last night.   He was my son's first pet, his own dragon that he got for his birthday.  Spike was his name and he was great.   Gage could get him out of the cage and walk around with him on his shoulder.   Spike would calmly sit on Imogen's lap.   He would slowly close his eyes, with a look of pleasure when you stroked his head just right.  This was my first reptile as well and I was really surprised by how personable he was.  Unfortunately, we were just getting to know him.

Spike seemed perfectly fine yesterday, he ate and pooped and sat on Imogen's lap.  He was his usual self.

I am thankful that we took some pictures yesterday, his last day.  I am sad that he is gone.  We will miss our little Spikey as he was so lovingly called by my children.  Good bye Spikey, rest in peace.

Miracle Moment

We had a, or perhaps THE miracle moment this morning at kindergarten drop-off.  Every morning Gage would start to feel anxious and squirmy in the back seat when we were about half-way on our 10 minute drive to school.  He would look around and determine from the surroundings that we were getting close, confirming that we were going to school and he would begin to announce his hatred of school.  He had a stomach ache, he didn't want to go "I hate school" - this would continue, even accelerate as we got closer and closer to school.  Every morning felt so ominous, so hard.  I would get nervous as he did and struggled to stay positive, reminding him of all of the fun things about school.  We would finally get there, those last 5 minutes of our drive being a living hell, and make our way to the playground.  We had one final hug before I pulled his clinging arms from around my neck, picked up Imogen and walked as quickly as possible back to the car.  Both of us crying.

However, today was different.  Today was amazing!  Simply amazing.  There was no anxiety on the way to school, no internal struggle in the back seat.  We got to school and he didn't fight getting out of the car, he simply got out.  We made our way towards the playground, the drop-off area.  We got to the entrance, Gage turned to me and said "Bye mom".  Bye mom, just that, nothing else.  He said it with confidence and clarity, with no teacher around to hold him back from following me out.  Just "Good Bye Mom".  So I bent down gave him his last hug, handed over his lunch and watched my son walk into the play ground.  He never looked back once.  He moved to a couple of different friends and said hello.  He walked with confidence, he had found his place.  He was there and himself, his whole self without me and my heart was soaring.  I watched my little man do exactly what I always knew he could do.   As I observed his confidence I felt mine begin to trickle back.  All of my pondering over my decision, began to soften.  My insecurity and constant internal battle softened, began to dissolve as I watched him go.  With his confidence, mine could return as well.

Looking back I realize this shift started yesterday after school.  When Gage got into the car his demeanor was very different and he said "I had a lot of fun at school today".  I was shocked, ecstatic and hesitant to make that simple statement into too big of a deal.  Apparently it was as big of a deal as I had hoped, in a very good way.

 As well I understand that every day may not go so smoothly, but I feel good about it all.  I can be in the process now without doubt or hesitation.  I get to see my son grow up and be all who he is - how lucky I am.

New from kindergarten

Well school is going better.  Both Gage and I are shifting into this new stage of life with less and less resistance each day.  Most mornings are still a struggle, but we have found a way to just be in the struggle, to ride the wave of this monumental moment.

I am truly enjoying all of the drawings and books he is bringing home.  These little gifts make the stumbling worth while.  My favorite is the rainbow song.  I flipping' love watching him sing this song.  I thought you might enjoy it as well.

Clingy Mother?

So is this what I have become?  The clingy, needy mother.  The one who won't let go?  I say I will let go, I believe I will when he is ready.  I say over and over to all who will listen that my son needs me, that I will not stand for his mental anguish.  I am his mother and I am a grizzly bear of a mother, so I will fight in any way that he needs.  So I keep him safe, I protect him.  I raise my children in the attachment style of parenting.  We have shared beds, long term nursing and complete motherly love.  In the hopes of creating independent children I provide them with a rock that will always be there, the mother who they never have to crave.  I realize that I am partial, but this method has produced two really great kids.  So it seems that in many ways this style, these choices have been effective in raising or supporting two incredible people.

But now my son is starting kindergarten, has started kindergarten, and it is not going well.  He is having a hard time with the detachment, separation from his ever present mother.  Many of the other children are having the same problem, all boys.  The girls just seem to handle it better, even crave it.  But when it happens to my son it is different.  And I look at him in his sadness and despair and I know that I can not do this to my baby.  That I will not force him into a situation that he is not ready for.  I, his attachment mother, will protect and save him.  Keep him in my safe circle of love and support that he has experienced since birth.  And be a good mother.  If he is not ready for school, he is simply not ready and I can wait until he is.

Than we had the meeting with his teacher and we talk and we converse and she demonstrates kindness and thoughtfulness and an appreciation for the fact that it is our decision.  Than she talks about how she thinks he is ready and how he can benefit from school and what she expects from our young son.  As she explains her classroom style and expectations I realize this is exactly what I was looking for.  I wanted it to be 3 days a week rather than 5, but this is what I wanted for Gage.  Lastly she explains that my reaction is going to create or exacerbate his.  That I have to make a decision and feel confident about the situation,  for him to feel safe and secure.  Again, as the mother it is back on me.  His extreme emotional reaction to separation has to do with my indecision about him being in kindergarten.

Motherhood seems to be a constant act of hitting the refresh button.  You have to know when to let go, when to hold on, when to protect them and when to allow them their own struggles.  To allow them to begin their path toward becoming the independent person they are.  To watch and let them suffer and/or struggle and know that it is what is best for them.  It seems to be such a contradiction.  So unnatural.

So I sit and ponder.  My two sides converse and I release again how hard it is to be a mother.  I have created an environment where I am always available for my children, always loving them and being there for them.  I believe that this is an incredible way to parent and it has worked wonderfully for me.  But I am now in the stage of letting go, of letting them experience their own struggles and joys.  I have heard many quotes about mother hood, the one that means the most to me states "motherhood is like living with your heart on the outside of your body".  At some point you have to let them strike off on their own.  For some mothers it is simply letting go of their adventurous, fearless child.  Just letting go, and hoping their parachute opens :).  For others, it takes a little more.   It takes making the immense leap from wrapping them in your warm embrace to pushing them out the door, sometimes even against their will.

It sounds so violent, so wrong.   But I watch as he almost asks for it.  He needs my permission to let go of me, to let go of our incredibly intimate, close relationship and to begin his own adventures in this world.  What I am beginning to understand is that I have to let go first, which is the hardest thing in the world to do.  Because I don't want to let go, I would love to keep our closeness and friendship the way it is now.   But that would be unfair, that would stunt him and our relationship.  I love him too much for that.

So I let go.  And in doing so I let him know he is capable and safe as himself, by himself.   And that I will still always be here.  I will hold our space, I will keep it warm forever.  This will never change.  I open myself up to a whole new place of vulnerability and insecurity as my heart begins to beat on the outside.   Because I am a mother there is something in me that can allow me to continue living and loving with that main, vital organ on the outside.

Great Granola Taste Test

It all began with a conversation about granola.  My friend Crystal and I were discussing how much we loved granola and how expensive it is.  The major ingredient in granola is oatmeal and plain old bulk oatmeal is about $.80 a pound.  You can buy it buy the bushel for next to nothing.  But if you want to buy granola, it is incredibly expensive.  You are looking at prices that range from $10 to $20 a pound.  After this discussion, Crystal and I both began to rave about our current granola recipes that we make at home.   So hmmm maybe we should have a taste test, a taste off of sorts between our recipes.

The great granola taste off was born between two bloggers with a passion for granola.  Here is Crystal's blog post http://thekitchenmba.com/diy-granola-taste-off/ and her recipe Frog Hollow granola recipe.  Here is my granola recipe easy does it granola.

Crystal and I than handed off samples of our granola to a few friends to taste and give their comments on our blogs.  Stay tuned to see what they say.

Now for my own input.  Both granolas are fantastic and there are aspects of each that I really like.  The Frog Hollow recipe is made with oil and honey, that mixture makes for much chunkier granola, which I love!  I love big chucks of granola that you eat with your hand.  This granola also had less dried fruit and nuts, making it mostly honey/oil soaked oatmeal toasted to perfection.  Yummy.  My granola is made from butter and honey.  Two of the greatest things on earth.  Basically you can not go wrong when you melt some butter add a little honey - combine this to anything and it will be fantastic!  That being said I am still stuck on the flavor of my honey and butter mixture, but it lacked the chunkiness that I so desire.  I like the added dried fruit and nuts, but also missed the simple granola with less additives.  My granola is better as a cereal, eat it with milk in the morning. Crystal's granola is a yummy snack to have around and eat by the handfuls.  I will be making both in the near future.  Maybe I will try the Frog Hollow recipe, but use butter instead of the oil.  Hmmm, now that is an idea.

Try them both yourself, they are both relatively easy to make and spread some samples around to your friends to do a taste test of your own.

Garden Harvest

We are having a spectacular summer here in Sonoma County.  We have stretches of hot weather to help our gardens along, intermixed with days of coastal fog in the morning following by 78 degree sunny afternoons.  The summer coasts along, or shall I say flies along and we are beginning to enjoy the bounty of our garden.

In our back yard we have two pluot trees, a white nectarine tree, two cherry trees, a pomegranate tree, an apple tree, blackberry vines, a raspberry patch, strawberries, rhubarb and blueberry bushes.  As well as a large seasonal vegetable garden.  This year we have tomatoes, beets, potatoes, sweet potatoes, celery, summer and winter squash galore, cucumbers, egg plant and peppers.

I love to watch my children wander through the yard, picking whatever appeals to them, often unripe fruit seems suitable.  They are covered in blackberry, strawberry and tomato juice daily.

My daughter prefers to gather her harvest, pull up her chair and sit back and enjoy her bounty.  Sometimes she follows up her garden snack with a little yoga.

All of the blooming vegetable plants have attracted  many humming birds to our yard.  They perch upon the tomato cages and flick out their long tongues.  I love to watch the humming birds and I am enjoying how comfortable they are with us this year.  The vegetable garden is surrounded with flowering herbs, my favorite is Bee Balm.

For a moment we get to sit back and enjoy the beginnings of harvest.  We have forgotten all the work we did in Spring to make it happen and we have not yet begun to experience the craziness of full harvest.  Canning, drying, freezing.  We are in between some busy stages and enjoying it.

Success

I have finally put all of my chickens together and everyone is getting along.  We have a fairly large space, so that makes living together easier.  The chicks, well more like pullets, get chased a little.  But over all every one seems to be getting along.  Whenever I look out at the chicken yard I see my big 4 girls hanging out together and the pullets a safe distance away, in the periphery.

We took baby steps, with our introductions.  My first introduction attempts invoked a ghastly sound of bloody murder from Minnow the lead hen.  She wanted to kill those chicks badly.  Luckily I was smart enough to introduce the chicks safely behind a fence, so the desired killing did not occur.  I kept the babies in their own pen away from view of the big girls for about 3 weeks. They seemed safest there.

I kept taking time to introduce them over and over to the big girls through the fence.  Minnow's bloody scream diminished into an angry, aggressive cackle, wew.  I really did not want to hear the killing scream again, it was rather disturbing.  At one point during these minnie social events it became clear the two lower hens Bolder and Cookie had no issue with the chicks. So I stuck the chicks in with them and pulled out Yoko and Minnow and all was good.  Baby steps.

Second, I built a pen for the chicks inside the chicken run.  So the big and little girls could get used to each other on a daily basis.  The chicks were coming closer to being pullets daily, they seemed big enough to get picked on and avoid death.  The big girls were initially up in arms, making a raucous and running around like crazy. Changing their territory caused a lot of excitement and perhaps a bit of stress.  At least it eliminated the boredom factor from their simple chicken lives for a couple of days.

Of course I had a lot of help from my backyard barnyard children.

Lastly we have a comfortable, content flock with two new additions.

No blood, or dead chickens as can happen when you make additions.  No severe stress to my current flock or the young birds.  Everyone is OK.  Of course there may be some bickering that will happen when the chicks, Elizabeth and Flower get older and feel the need to establish themselves into a higher position in the flock.  I will deal with that as it comes.

Baby steps and giving the chickens time to adapt to the change.  Change is hard for chickens and adding new members even harder.  A little time and patience made for a mild and painless change.