We had a, or perhaps THE miracle moment this morning at kindergarten drop-off. Every morning Gage would start to feel anxious and squirmy in the back seat when we were about half-way on our 10 minute drive to school. He would look around and determine from the surroundings that we were getting close, confirming that we were going to school and he would begin to announce his hatred of school. He had a stomach ache, he didn't want to go "I hate school" - this would continue, even accelerate as we got closer and closer to school. Every morning felt so ominous, so hard. I would get nervous as he did and struggled to stay positive, reminding him of all of the fun things about school. We would finally get there, those last 5 minutes of our drive being a living hell, and make our way to the playground. We had one final hug before I pulled his clinging arms from around my neck, picked up Imogen and walked as quickly as possible back to the car. Both of us crying.
However, today was different. Today was amazing! Simply amazing. There was no anxiety on the way to school, no internal struggle in the back seat. We got to school and he didn't fight getting out of the car, he simply got out. We made our way towards the playground, the drop-off area. We got to the entrance, Gage turned to me and said "Bye mom". Bye mom, just that, nothing else. He said it with confidence and clarity, with no teacher around to hold him back from following me out. Just "Good Bye Mom". So I bent down gave him his last hug, handed over his lunch and watched my son walk into the play ground. He never looked back once. He moved to a couple of different friends and said hello. He walked with confidence, he had found his place. He was there and himself, his whole self without me and my heart was soaring. I watched my little man do exactly what I always knew he could do. As I observed his confidence I felt mine begin to trickle back. All of my pondering over my decision, began to soften. My insecurity and constant internal battle softened, began to dissolve as I watched him go. With his confidence, mine could return as well.
Looking back I realize this shift started yesterday after school. When Gage got into the car his demeanor was very different and he said "I had a lot of fun at school today". I was shocked, ecstatic and hesitant to make that simple statement into too big of a deal. Apparently it was as big of a deal as I had hoped, in a very good way.
As well I understand that every day may not go so smoothly, but I feel good about it all. I can be in the process now without doubt or hesitation. I get to see my son grow up and be all who he is - how lucky I am.